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Cowboy In A Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!

A blonde walks into a bank...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

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Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)[?]
.The Bottom Line
There's nothing you like more than planning, so today will be a very good day.

In Detail
Your colleagues adore you, and it's no wonder -- you work extremely hard and don't think twice about pitching in when someone else needs a hand. Your office practically feels like a second home and your coworkers like a second family. However, it's still a good idea to remain wary if someone new keeps offering help when you least need it. They may not be as innocent as they seem, so play your cards close to your chest.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Take your time today and don't rush ahead of everyone else. You need their energy.

In Detail
There's nothing quite so satisfying as a job well done. Remind yourself of that if your enthusiasm starts to wane in the face of what seems like a mountain of details all clamoring for your attention. Why not hand some of those tasks over to a trustworthy associate? Tell them the results you need and the timeline you're on. Just remember that once you do, it's strictly hands-off. Really, you're in good hands, so go ahead and relax.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)[?]
.The Bottom Line
A recent change in your life will introduce you to more challenging companions.

In Detail
Love may just reveal itself when you least expect it, but you have to stop searching for it so frantically first. Instead, think about what it is that you enjoy doing, the people you like having around and what kind of goals you want. You may end up becoming so absorbed in having a life that you forget all about love. Of course, this is exactly what the stars are waiting for when they hit you with a whammy of something deliciously romantic.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Being surrounded by busybodies will drain your energy. You need time alone today.

In Detail
The key to long-term achievement is keeping everything on the down low when a certain boss type is going mad with power. While it may be tempting to point out areas in which they could, er, improve things in the workplace (or their own attitude), they won't take kindly to any suggestions right now, no matter how well-meant. Save any constructive criticism for later, when they're more in the mood to deal with it.

Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)[?]
.The Bottom Line
It's time to clean up the mess you've been avoiding -- literally and figuratively.

In Detail
Someone you care about may be acting a little distant, but it's not you -- it's them, so don't take their mood to heart. It's doubly important that you don't let their funk put a damper on your high spirits. Motivate yourself to take charge and stir up some action, whether it's renovating your love life or your home. Perhaps it's even time to take a look at some ways to climb up the career ladder. Don't hesitate to dive right in.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Make a to-do list and keep yourself organized. Impulsive acts are not wise today.

In Detail
Sitting there in limbo? That's absolutely normal, so stop pressuring yourself and take a break instead. It's an excellent time to take off on a vacation, even if that means sitting in the park and listening to your iPod while you watch the sun set. (Hey, every little bit counts!) Go ahead and let your mind roam far afield before you try and collect your thoughts. By the evening, you'll feel revived and ready for action.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)[?]
.The Bottom Line
It's time to tidy up some messes. You'll enjoy your life more when things are clean.

In Detail
Life is far from ordinary for you right now. The stars stir up your world and bring lots of unusual and unpredictable influences into your daily routine. This affects everything do, think or say, so don't be taken aback if you hear the most surprising things coming out of your mouth. The best thing to do in a situation like this is go with the flow -- and enjoy the motion while you're at it. You might just learn a (life-changing) thing or two along the way.

Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Listen to the nagging voice in your head today -- it knows what's top priority.

In Detail
Isn't it time you, well, grew up? You can pay your bills, buy a house and hold down a job, and still, that's not really the mark of a truly mature person -- those are just the accessories that we think signify adulthood. The stars are telling you that it's time to take responsibility for your actions and be accountable for the consequences that follow. Once you start paying attention to this, it's amazing how your life can really straighten up and fly right.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Today you're not feeling very patient with authority figures, so keep a low profile.

In Detail
Pinning your hopes on one prospect? Be careful, or the glitter might wear off, especially the more you burden it with your aspirations. Take a look at its real worth before you consider abandoning it. Dig deep within yourself and feel confident that you're someone of considerable determination and ingenuity, and you can finesse this opportunity into something invaluable. It could take a little while, so be patient, but it will pay off.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Someone far away is thinking about you -- missing you. Pick up the phone. Reconnect.

In Detail
Get off the fence and be clear when communicating with a group. You've been trying too hard for too long to be everything to everybody, and it's making you crazy -- and not winning you the fans you hoped it would. (Not only that, you're not feeling too hot about yourself lately, either.) You have only your self-respect to gain by speaking up for what you believe in -- and any losses you might incur, well, the universe promises that it will ultimately be your gain.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)[?]
.The Bottom Line
Today take care when you're dealing with others. They may have a different agenda.

In Detail
An extraordinary alliance with a work mentor or office buddy will help you break free of a limiting role on the job, and you've never been more grateful to be given the opportunity to spread your wings and fly. While you're overcome with gratitude, remember that it was your willingness to speak up and take a chance that got the ball rolling. The lesson? Go ahead and dare to be different. It sure beats the alternative.

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)[?]
.The Bottom Line
You don't have to know all the facts beforehand -- you'll figure it out later.

In Detail
Wincing at the thought of some less-than-stellar behavior on your part and feeling, oh, just a touch defensive? Brush off criticisms -- including your own -- and focus resolutely on the present and future. Flagellating yourself will only lead to a treacherous bog of low self-esteem. Instead, take a look at what you can change for the better, resolve to correct any inappropriate behavior and apologize when necessary. Now move on.

..

a little girl gone home to mummy and say mum this bot say i cant get one of these meaning his penis
so mum told her daughter to go and tell him once u got one of these meaning her vagine u can get
any amount of those u want

lol... very funny Peter A!

• One night a man and woman went to his house to make love when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatoes"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes, tomatoes"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise on me"!

by: Moe Hopkins

nice