The marital relationship

There are a number of reasons a person might lack sexual desire for their spouse. When you consider that sexual desire starts with what happens between your ears and then is greatly influenced by the marriage relationship itself, it is understandable that most of what is going to stall desire will be personal or relational in nature. There are, of course, some physical problems that can affect sexual desire too.

The following list can be used to identify problems or potential problems.

poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions - Our culture and, sadly, the church have played havoc with how we see ourselves and our sexuality. Feeling bad about how we look or how we might perform sexually can fill some with dread that steals sex drive. Being ashamed of our body, or feeling one part of it is too small or strange looking, is counterproductive to sexual desire.

fear of intimacy - wounds from past relationships can be carried into present ones, making it difficult to desire intimacy and oneness. Men may fear intimacy because they think it's "weak" or unmanly.

childhood sexual abuse, molestation, rape - In order to dull the pain, fear and shame associated with a previous sexual experience(s), many victims repress or fight their natural sex drive.

lack of privacy - living in close quarters with parents or (foster, natural, or step) children. This is more likely to affect women than men.

guilt from (false or genuine) sexual sin - guilt over masturbation, playing doctor, promiscuity, abortion, premarital sex with your spouse, non-marital sex before you met your spouse, viewing pornography, adultery, etc. can make approaching sex very painful. Growing up in a strict anti-sex household can make people feel guilty about normal and natural sexual thoughts and desires. Some even feel guilty about their desire for their spouse. Still others feel guilt over things they want to do with their spouse; things they themselves believe are wrong or "kinky," or believe their spouse would consider weird or sinful.

busyness, stress, anxiety - it takes a certain amount of time and relaxation to make sex work. Always being stressed out or having too much to do will eventually wear out your sex drive.