Love is Life,

Being true to your spouse

Commitment transforms our talk

 Commitment also translates powerfully into our marriages through our talk.   Dave and Michelle live on the west coast where Dave serves as discipleship coordinator at a Christian college and Michelle recently left a pastor role to take care of Jonas, their first-born.  How did they show their commitment to each other today?  Dave waxed practical.

“I woke up at 5 a.m. and spent time with Jonas who was crying so Michelle could get an hour of peaceful sleep.  I gave her a call from the office half way through the day.  She e-mailed me and told me she appreciated my help around the house.”

• Dave and Michelle’s manner reflects a tall stack of married couple research.  Committed couples tend be more emotionally supportive than uncommitted ones. They know when their spouse is hurt, or crabby, or elated, and they validate those feelings as genuine and legitimate.  Unsupportive spouses challenge their mate’s feelings with statements such as “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

• People who are committed also share their thoughts deeply. They go beyond the weather and sports, to describe what we’re thinking, feeling, dreaming, and scheming.  Couples who believe that their spouses should be able to mind read (i.e., know what they are thinking without having to tell them) struggle relationally.

• Committed couples enjoy “expressive interaction.” Their behavior shows affection, empathy, and the kind of warmth toward each other that translates into feelings of companionship, sexual responsiveness, and support.   In other words, committed partners engage.  They put down the paper, turn off the TV, offer “two-eye attention” and connect with their spouse.

• Committed spouses also pay more attention to “little things” to show their love and concern.   Michelle and Dave agreed that that simply saying “I love you” or phoning during the day, or going on dates affirmed their commitment.  They also write notes, rub each other’s feet, pray together, and try to listen well.  Conveying commitment isn’t showy, but subtle and common.  But we still have to do it.

Showing commitment through faithfulness

 The evidence above is encouraging.  Committed couples interact with each other in distinctly positive ways.  But how do we communicate faithfulness?  Perhaps we should start with asking what is faithfulness?

For many the answer is “sexual fidelity” — we are faithful if we have not touched, kissed, or made love with someone who isn’t our spouse.  However, before physical infidelity becomes an issue there are two precursors:  mental and emotional unfaithfulness.  In all three cases, infidelity violates a trust and breaks a bond.