Life will teach everything

257 ways to irritate enemies

1. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

4.Name your dog "Dog."

5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

8. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

9. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

10. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

12. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.

13. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

14. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

15. Order a side of pork rinds with your fillet mignon.

16. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.

18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

20. Repeat everything someone says as a question.

21. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.

22. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."

24. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

25. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

26. At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

27. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.

28. Ask people what gender they are.

29. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

30. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

31. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

32. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

33. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

34. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

35. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

36. Wear a lot of cologne.

37. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

38. Sing along at the opera.

39. Mow your lawn with scissors.

40. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!"

41. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

42. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

43. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

44. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

45. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

46. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

47. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

48. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

49. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

50. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

51. Practice making fax and modem noises.

52. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.

53. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

54. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

55. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

56. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

57. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

59. Honk and wave to strangers.

60. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

61. type only in lowercase.

62. dont use any punctuation either

63. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

64. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

65. Sing the theme to the Batman television show as loudly as you can, over and over and over..

66. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.

67. Drum on every available surface. 

68. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

69. Set alarms for random times.

70. Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."

71. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

72. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

73. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

74. Wear your pants backwards.

75. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"

76. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music."

77. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode.

78. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

79. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

80. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

81. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.