Have you ever found yourself crying in your boss’s office when you’re attempting to problem-solve, asking for a raise, negotiating workload, or accepting a compliment? You are not alone. Crying is a natural physiological response to feelings that derive from events in our lives. Many women cry easily and unexpectedly. Our socialization includes greater latitude than boys to express emotions through crying. In some ways, this freedom serves us well as grown women. Crying can provide a built-in emotional release valve—a catharsis. Having access to our feelings can allow us to have empathy and understanding when needed, which makes us better friends, family members and co-workers. There is substantial research on “emotional intelligence” saying this ability also makes us better, more effective leaders.

However, the workplace is one of those environments where most tears are viewed as inappropriate and can have negative or detrimental effects on performance reviews, promotions, and executive presence. In other words, tears make us look bad and lead to a personal undermining of our sense of competence and confidence. As Lois Frankel notes in her book, Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office, most women know they shouldn’t cry at work, but there are times when you can’t help it.

Un-learning Tearful Behavior

This said, we can begin to alter the crying response to many situations at work by un-learning, re-learning or strengthening our emotional and behavioral repertoires. Just as anger management workshops assist individuals in learning different and more appropriate responses to feelings of frustration, disappointment and criticism, we can also learn other ways to manage our feelings besides crying in the boss’s office.

Whether you work in a “compassionate” organization, such as health care, or a “competitive” environment, such as finance or information technology, women are often mistaken when thinking that a kind, considerate boss, or a humanistic oriented organizational culture will accept or tolerate tearful outbursts. Women and men in positions of leadership are socialized to believe that crying equals vulnerability, and that vulnerability connotes incompetence, or the inability to handle difficult situations. Right or wrong, these beliefs and attitudes about displays of emotion are slow to change.

We need to make a distinction between our organizational behavior that governs our work and our personal