Dating and Courtship - Part 8
God’s Way
Dating and Courtship - Part 2; http://posts.fanbox.com/vsnz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 3; http://posts.fanbox.com/pcpz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 4; http://posts.fanbox.com/tgpz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 5; http://posts.fanbox.com/rhpz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 6; http://posts.fanbox.com/m1qz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 7; http://posts.fanbox.com/r3qz3
Chapter Eight –
ADVANCING TO COURTSHIP
To this point, we have almost exclusively discussed dating. But what about courting? Every relationship reaches a point at which the couple will either become more interested, and want to pursue a more serious relationship, or they will decide that they are not seriously attracted to each other, and will (or should) agree to “just be friends.”
There is no specific moment when you suddenly find yourself “courting.” However, as dating becomes more involved, and as a person becomes more seriously interested in that one other person, there is a transition period when the couple goes from dating to courting. It should generally not occur like the flipping of a switch, as with engagement, but rather like the gradual turning up of a light on a rheostat.
Prior to this point, it is a mistake to believe that dating is done exclusively with one person. There is a process during which you slowly progress from dating many different people in one-on-one settings to perhaps thinking someone is particularly interesting, and choosing to date her (or him) a few more times, in order to determine that she is the person you want to more seriously pursue. This process could take months, many months, or even years, depending on how quickly you find someone compatible with you at all levels. (This phase could be preceded by having narrowed your dating down to two or three possible candidates for marriage.) It is at this final stage, however, that courtship begins, and you only date that one person from that point forward.
But reaching the stage of courtship should never mean that a couple has already decided to get married. They have merely reached the stage where more serious exploration of what has already become a mutual interest should occur.
There are many important things to evaluate as you begin to court. This is really the point at which you begin to consider a person as a possible lifelong mate. Using wisdom and judgment is crucial before getting too emotionally involved. Following is a series of areas for couples to consider after having become more interested. In essence, courtship is the decision to take the next step—a more serious step, but not the final step!
Seeking God’s Way
Return for a moment to the starting point. The best way to pick the best person for you is to not pick at all—to leave the decision in God’s hands! His ways and understanding are infinitely better than ours (Isa. 55:8), and He is the only One who can lead you to the right person!
But you must be willing to do your part.
In a sense, God’s way of dating is a natural process—you will naturally enjoy being with certain types of people more than others. But this natural feeling of comfort and discomfort with certain types of personalities will come, only if you have made it a goal to date widely before ever considering a serious relationship. By the time you are ready to court (if you have followed God’s way), you will be successful in finding a mate.
Finding and choosing a mate is a process best left to God’s overall direction. You cannot know if you have found the “right one” unless you have (figuratively speaking) allowed God to take you by the hand, and lead you to him or her—and He will if you let Him! Remember, God’s Spirit will not guide you if you are unwilling to wait until the right time to even begin thinking about the right person. Be willing to let God activate your mind! Allow Him to cause you to react to—to lean more and more toward—that one person!
At the same time, seek wise counsel and advice! Do not allow yourself to reach the point where you have succumbed to emotion without first counseling.
Do not misunderstand. It is a wonderful feeling to be on “cloud nine”—to be in love. Few things in life are comparable to this. Nevertheless, there is a period during the first stages of serious dating and courting when you can still make sound judgments without heavy emotional attachment. Try to think of this in the following way: It is important to suppress feelings of romantic love (eros), while carefully focusing on and building the bond of true friendship (philia), all the while practicing and developing the love of God (agape) within the relationship.
Take advantage of this time!
Let me repeat. No matter your age, counsel with your parents. Ask them for specific advice on your situation. Where possible, talk with others with the same values and who have recently experienced dating, courtship and marriage. If they know you well, this is even better.
It is important to pay special attention to those who set the right example, but also learn from those who are willing to share their stories of difficulty or regret. Ask yourself, “Am I going to learn by following a right example, or will I force myself to learn the hard way by following my will instead of God’s will?”
As you court and consider engagement, it is absolutely vital to counsel with a true minister of God. And while many postpone counseling until the last moment, it is always better to err on the side of counseling too early in the relationship rather than too late. God’s ministers are in place to guide you, to help you further understand God’s will. Although there can be exceptions, the man may generally take the lead, and counsel with the minister first. But the woman should not fear to come first.
Remember that in this world, dating and courtship are founded on lust: “For ALL [all means all] that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world” (I John 2:16).
Recall that, within this passage, attitudes of the world are identified by three categories: Lust of flesh, lust of eyes, and pride of life! These three describe the way society typically dates—the natural, physical approach to picking a mate! Be absolutely certain that you are not, however unconsciously, using the world’s standards in choosing a mate!
Never forget that you must build an entirely different kind of foundation. You must care—have outgoing concern—for the other person. The Bible exhorts us to “love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loves is born [begotten] of God, and knows God” (I John 4:7).
Remember, the kind of “love” in the world is always selfish. While it does not always express itself selfishly, in the end, the motive is always centered on self! Also remember that a carnal person is not capable of having anything but selfish love!
Now, let’s examine additional points that must be considered during courtship. Remember, there is no such thing as the perfect mate, and these should never become merely an analytical “checklist” based solely on the physical. There are no perfect people, including you. These principles are to make you stop and think as you work toward finding a truly healthy, fulfilling relationship. Understand that if you ignore them, many people (future children, in-laws, etc.) will suffer—but not as much as will you and your potential spouse!
Physical Health
It has been said, “You are what you eat.” How true! Having grown up in a family that has owned a natural food business for over thirty five years, I have seen firsthand the degeneration in diet of the western world. The results have been devastating—increased disease and corresponding increase in health care, obesity, depression, dependence on a host of drugs, lost work, lost school days, lost energy and stamina, and loss of zest for life.
Modern society moves too fast. This has bred a reliance on junk food and the fast-food restaurants that make it readily available. This alone has produced a predictable result, described as “globesity,” the new term researchers have coined for the exploding obesity problem now sweeping the world. This has happened because, from early childhood, most children are given “foodless” foods that fill them with “unmeritorious calories,” instead of regular fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Few seem any longer to even remember the fact that healthy bodies are largely built on these foods. Instead, most live on fats, “sugar-bomb” desserts, soda, potato chips, too much meat (particularly red meat), and insufficient water intake.
And then there is the decline in—or total lack of—regular exercise with so many. Similarly, very few, including youth and teenagers, exercise even close to as much as they should—the daily 30 to 60 minutes that studies recommend.
All these factors and others contribute to the huge and growing health problems now worldwide in scope. The physical health and vitality of the world generally, and western countries in particular, is diminishing rapidly.
Have you looked closely at the health of the person you are courting? He or she should be doing the same with you. What do you see—and what does your potential spouse see in you? Less by words, and more often by actions and habits, people most accurately show who they really are (Matt. 12:34).
Be conscious of the following:
Is your prospective mate health-conscious? Does she continually try to think of areas in which she can improve? Will he care and be diligent with the health of your children? What does she eat? How much sleep and exercise does he make time for? Discuss these things thoroughly to be sure there is practical agreement, remembering to think of how you can apply these questions to yourself!
In addition, consider physical heredity. Do his parents have physical impairments or ailments that may be passed on to their children? Are you willing and capable to accept those possibilities and live with them—not only now, but later, when there might be much more stress in your life?
It has been said that if you are interested in a girl, you should look at her mother, because you are probably looking at your future wife in 25 years. This same thing could be said about fathers and sons. While it may not happen exactly this way every time, and should never be the sole determining factor, this is an important reality check, not to be overlooked or ignored. Genetics, coupled with the ingraining of health and dietary habits, play a big role in body type, physical tendencies and future health.
When describing their out-of-shape, overweight bodies, some choose to hide behind the modern cliché of “I am comfortable with my body,” but with such people, what you see now will only grow worse after marriage.
You are left with this thought: No one can go back in time and change many years of having violated most of the principles of good health. But you can start where you are, determining to make steady improvement and maintenance of your health a way of life. Will your future spouse also do this? (You may wish to read our booklet God’s Principles of Healthful Living.)
Mental Health
Mental health is directly connected to a person’s physical health. The minds of both parties must not only be compatible, but must also be stable and balanced. Two aspects of this bear consideration here.
Take an analytical perspective. Ask yourself if the person you are considering is truly mentally balanced. Is his or her family mentally stable? Does the family have a history of depression or mental disorders? I must stress not to dig too deeply, or to critically analyze every mental health issue and nuance of the entire extended family. But careful—and very discrete—observation, with some analysis, is much more important than you may think. Just as family physical health problems can often reappear in later years, so can mental health problems do the same. Children tend to grow up absorbing much more of who and what their parents are than they can possibly know prior to becoming adults themselves. This is when latent tendencies can leap to the fore.
Then ask, how do you relate to each other mentally? When you talk, are you intellectually stimulated? Are you able to have—and do you enjoy—long talks about various aspects of life. Do you find it hard to carry on a continuous conversation, seeming to lack the sometimes necessary ability to stop at a given subject and take it much more in-depth than might normally occur? Also, do you find that you run out of things to talk about?
So many people think that fun in dating comes from exploring each other’s body. The greatest fun comes from exploring each other’s mind. You should be able to easily open up with one another, and to do so over a broad range of topics. You should be able to have a genuinely good time, and to enjoy sharing yourself with this person. If, on more serious or complex topics, the eyes of the other party are “glazing over” too often, this should give you real pause. This is because, in a dating situation, people invariably put their best foot forward, trying to ensure that they make the best possible impression. If you are not regularly hearing meaningful or in-depth responses, on a range of issues, “buyer beware!”—what you see will be what you get for a long, long time!
Make sure that you do not mistake the first impression of a person with a considered judgment of that same person, which can only come after more time spent together.
Having a high IQ is nice, and possessing a formal education—a lot of “book knowledge”—is very good, but it should never be the all-important factor. But you should certainly strive to find someone with similar intellectual capacity and ability. You will be much happier and much more fulfilled if you do!
Be aware of this: It is rarely good that the woman be a great deal more intelligent than the man. Such situations carry the potential of bringing undue stress and friction within the relationship—especially as the man tries to take his proper leadership role. He could feel inferior and resort to putting his wife down and insulting her to compensate for his inadequacy. While intelligence level and mental capacity cannot be measured or quantified exactly (and you should never attempt this), it is critical to remember this guideline.
For example, a woman with a college degree who has her own business and has become quite successful will probably never be compatible with a man who has a third-grade reading level, works at a gas station and has no further ambitions in life. While this scenario is an extreme example, it makes the point.
How about her perspective on learning? Is it similar to yours? How does he view further education and the importance of doing well in school? What are her study habits, and does she enjoy research and expanding her mind—even if school homework and college studies did not seem to require this?
There will be times in the marriage when you will need to really “go to school” on a topic or subject—purchasing a car, buying a
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