Dating and Courtship - Part 7
God’s Way
Dating and Courtship - Part 2; http://posts.fanbox.com/vsnz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 3; http://posts.fanbox.com/pcpz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 4; http://posts.fanbox.com/tgpz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 5; http://posts.fanbox.com/rhpz3
Dating and Courtship - Part 6; http://posts.fanbox.com/m1qz3
Countless millions of shattered families began with wrong dating habits. These habits made proper courtship impossible. And the results have been tragic. The almost universal effects of modern dating demonstrate widespread ignorance, even on the most basic points of right dating. Almost no one understands the real purpose of dating or of the courtship that can ensue. The next step, achieving a happy marriage, then also becomes impossible. There is a right way to date! What is it? And there are right and wrong people to date. How can you know the difference? It is time to unlearn the wrong principles, acquired from society—and to learn and apply God’s true principles, leading to happy marriages and families! Presenting God’s perspective, this book reveals those principles.
Chapter Seven –
THE ART OF DATING
At this point, I feel that it would be helpful to tell the story of how I met my (late) first wife, and the circumstances that led to our engagement and marriage.
In February 1971, I was four months from graduation (Ambassador College in Pasadena, California). It appeared that I was going to be reassigned into the ministry of Jesus Christ. (I had spent the previous summer between my Junior and Senior years serving in Indianapolis, Indiana.) To be most effective in this full-time calling, I knew that I needed to be married. Yet, I had just ended a relationship that I recognized had been a terrible waste of time for the several months that I had been involved. It was a shattering, devastating experience, and I wondered what I had done wrong—what I had been missing in my assessment of the relationship. The woman that I had been interested in had turned out to be very immature—and would have been a terrible match. Yet, because I had been much too “involved,” I was completely unable to see this until it was over.
I decided to immediately seek counsel with a faculty member who was also a senior minister. It did not take him long to discern that I had not truly sought God’s guidance in the selection of a mate. I had made my choice, without being certain that it was God’s choice. I went straight back to my dormitory and began a 48-hour fast (going without food and water), accompanied by much prayer and Bible study. It quickly became evident to me that the minister was correct—I had not been fully seeking God on this matter, but rather I had merely assumed I was.
I determined to obtain God’s counsel at every turn in any future relationship!
Within a couple of weeks, I had thought of several graduates I felt I should ask for at least one date. But this time, I was determined to take it slow, allowing time to be absolutely certain whether God was guiding me toward a particular person, whether there should be a second or third date, or more. I decided in advance that, no matter how interested I was after the first date, I would make myself wait three weeks until the second date. About a week later, I had enjoyed my first date—13 hours of sledding, including lunch and dinner—with the woman who would become my wife and the mother of our three children.
A little older than I, she had all of the maturity and more that had been missing in all previous dates and relationships I had experienced. While I had known this young woman at a superficial level for several years (she had been a senior when I was a freshmen), I had no idea that she could have been such a perfect match for me. I wondered why I had never thought of dating her. In any event, I took the early weeks of our dating very slow so that I could keep my commitment to God to be truly sure that He was putting us together—that He was the matchmaker in this enormous decision to affect both of us for the rest of our lives!
This occurred over 33 years ago, and, three children and numerous grandchildren later, I have never had any regrets. Over and over again, in ways far too numerous to recount, we have seen the hand of God in our marriage, guiding, sustaining, teaching, blessing, protecting—and never abandoning us!
Include God
You can learn the lesson I did, without the anguish. Although we have already covered the basic purposes of dating, we have not yet covered in detail the crucial need to be close to God throughout the process. He is willing, even eager, to help you and to guide your dating experience—but only if you actively and regularly seek His counsel.
All human beings need wisdom, and are designed to correctly function when using it—in every situation. Wisdom comes from God. If you seek Him, He will meet all your needs with wise—and perfect—answers (Luke 11:9-13). Also, try to make the following passage part of your daily prayer: “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that gives to all men liberally, and upbraids not; and it shall be given him” (Jms. 1:5).
Proper dating is a process based directly upon godly principles. There are not specific laws or commands for every question or circumstance that might arise in life. The Bible was never intended to answer every single question the human mind might have about every single issue. Otherwise, it would be millions of words in length, instead of the approximately 750,000 words that it already is. While some things are clearly spelled out through law, the Bible is a living book (Heb. 4:12), written in a way that clear principles and guidelines can be found and applied to all of life’s important decisions.
Pray about dates before you go out—and not just the “big” dates! Solomon wrote, “In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Prov. 3:6). After each date, pray about it again, asking God for His assessment and guidance in any possible next step.
Do not allow friends or others in the world to pressure you into dating their way. Be on guard and ask God to give you a clean, right perspective. While none would ever consciously say this, never allow yourself to unconsciously conclude, “Everything is going fine. I can now proceed on my own without God’s guidance.”
But God is not the only Person you should directly involve in the dating and courtship process! Depending on your age, it is also essential that parents be involved, at least to some degree, in crucial dating decisions.
Parents in the Picture
A common basis for dates and courtship today is, “Let’s get away from the old folks, and go off by ourselves! It’s not fun to hang out with our parents (or other adults) around!” However, remember that parents have their children’s best interests in mind. Although they need not be told about every aspect of every date, parents who care (sadly, not all do) should be generally kept “in the loop.”
Society today promotes antagonism between young people and their parents—often couched benignly as a “generation gap”—and this hostility includes viewing nearly all adults as the “enemy.” Worse, authority figures of any kind almost seem to carry the label of “arch-enemies.”
A virtual battlefield now exists between parents and their teenagers. The Fifth Commandment—and it is a commandment!—is “Honor your father and your mother” (Ex. 20:12; Deut. 5:16). Yet, millions of young people today show little or no respect to the people who brought them into the world, and who worked to nurture, feed, clothe and teach them. They are too busy feeling misunderstood—when, in fact, their parents understand them only too well.
No parents want their children to learn lessons the hard way. If you refuse their counsel, this is the path you choose, ensuring a future of much pain and possibly irreparable harm. (Read Proverbs 13:15).
How many times have you heard your parents say, “When I was your age, I thought I knew it all”? However, most teenagers ignore this, still acting as if they “know it all.” Young people often feel that parents do not understand their present circumstances. Yet, the reality is that “there is no new thing under the sun” (Ecc. 1:9). Every parent was once a teenager. They have experienced every phase of the teen years.
Listen carefully to your parents. Tap their knowledge. They can offer sound advice in a broad array of areas. Keep their counsel close, and take advantage of their many years of experience. Ask them about dating and courtship instead of relying on what your friends have to say. In a world cut off from God, peers and friends can offer little or no sound advice!
What Makes a Good Date?
Everyone wants each date to go well—to be successful. There are certain earmarks of a good date that all should strive to achieve.
Today’s fast pace of life affects almost everyone. The rat-race existence that describes the day-to-day routine for most is everywhere, at times seeming to create an almost palpable nervous tension in the air. First dates and beginning dates can be nerve-racking experiences, especially one-on-one. Before the date, both man and woman are worried about whether they look attractive or will say the right things. (Then there is the man’s worry about even asking the woman for a date.) Rest assured—the date will not go perfectly! However, going with the right perspective greatly increases the chance of success.
One of the best ways to create a relaxed atmosphere is to use humor to break the ice. But be certain that it is clean—and mature. Some people consider it “funny” to continually act immature, but this turns mature people off. Avoid silliness at all costs!
As men and women get older, there is a natural tendency to look deeper into all dates as prospective mates. An attitude of “hyper-analysis” can develop, with every first date becoming an opportunity to “size up” a potential husband or wife. This can turn into trying to remake the other person. This never works (Jer. 13:23)—and the last place to ever offer suggestions of almost any kind is on the first couple of dates. Possible relationships can be ruined in an instant if this advice is ignored. The only time to do this is much later—and then only when solicited.
Focus first dates on the principles discussed in the previous chapter instead of trying to “quiz” the other person. Both parties will enjoy a date much more if they can get to know the other person. This objective is almost non-existent in dating today. Try to make this a goal in your dates, and, as explained, choice of environment must be conducive to conversation.
As also mentioned earlier, some feel it is impossible to understand the opposite sex. As you have seen, this is simply not true. Dating should be a time to get to know how the opposite sex thinks. Be sure to be open with each other without prying or probing into personal matters.
It is essential, especially to girls, to feel comfortable on a date. Always strive to make your date feel comfortable, whether in a group or one-on-one setting. Ask questions about the other person and be genuinely interested in the answers—this opens people up, and puts them at ease. Continually strive to cultivate a cheerful, thoughtful attitude. It will enable you to enjoy yourself more, and it will provide your date with a pleasant experience.
Are You a Good Date?
In life, there are optimists and pessimists, and which of these roles you choose will make an enormous difference in whether you and your partner enjoy the date. Strive to enter dates anticipating a good time. Be enthusiastic (but with sincerity)! It will leave a great impression on all those you date. Keep the big picture in mind—always remembering that there is much more to
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