Sincere Relationships

Over the weekend, a friend of mine broke up with a lady he'd been dating for a while. He liked her quite a bit, but had known for a while he didn't love her and that being with her forever wasn't what he wanted. Nonetheless, spending time with her was pleasant enough, so it took him a while to man up to bowing out. And in the end, the process may be nearly as painful for him as it's going to be for her. 

When we hear about something like this, we may tend to think, "Oh, he's upset because he wonders if he's done the right thing, or if he should've stayed with her." Or we might say, "Oh, he's depressed because he doesn't like to see her sad." But, of course, he might also just miss her and miss their intimacy, even while knowing the relationship wasn't the end-all, be-all for him. 

His experience reminded me of a paragraph I encountered in Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love, the new book by psychiatrist Amir Levine and social psychologist Rachel Heller.

They wrote: