HILLARIOUS JOKES/MILITARY JOKES

HILLARIOUS JOKES/MILITARY JOKES

Lie Detector Robot

Dad bought a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.He decided to test it during dinner.
DAD:Son,where were you today during school hours?
SON:at school...(robot slaps him)
SON:ok i lied,i went to the mall.
DAD:which one?
SON:Toy store.(robot slaps him again)
SON:Ok!it was porn store.
DAD:what?!when i was your age,i didnt even know what porn was.
(robot slaps dad!)
MOM:forgive him dear...after all,he's your son.
(ROBOT SLAPS MOM!)

Warranty Expired

Angry husband wasn't happy with his wife.So he sent a message to his mother in law:
"YOUR PRODUCT DIDN'T MATCH MY REQUIREMENTS!"
Smart mother in law replied:
"WARRANTY EXPIRED!MANUFACTURER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE AFTER SEAL IS BROKEN!"

MILITARY JOKES

Never mess with a Marine!

An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say
"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the road".
The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine.
They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge
 on the side of the road and motions for them to follow.
As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming.
The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts himself off
 and again stands in the middle of the road.
The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog.
He again heads down to s small ridge and they follow.
Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping.
And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.
Bewildered and pissed off, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says
"Eliminate the motherfu**er". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge.
The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says
"What the hell is going on out there soldier?"
Gasping for breath the soldier replies,
"Its a trick sir!! There's two of em."

Never mess with a Ranger!

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them."

AIRFORCE

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied,