5 Ways to Indirectly Ask for a Date

Although asking for a date directly can have a good chance of success (see articles Part I here, andPart II here), it can also be awkward and difficult. Therefore, some people prefer to take a more "indirect" approach to asking out a love interest (especially those who are shy or have some social anxiety). A less direct approach takes some of the risk and uncertainty out of the requesting. It can also make the process easier.

Fortunately, there are strategies and social skills to covertly ask for what you want. In fact, there are a number of compliance gaining strategies (ways to get others to do what you want) - some that don't require directly asking at all (Kellermann & Cole, 1994). Below, I will highlight some of these strategies and apply them to getting a date (with examples of "weaker" and "stronger" technique interpretations)

Indirect Compliance Gaining Strategies for Getting a Date

1) Suggest - This involves getting a date by making indirect suggestions. You get them to do what you want by proposing it subtly as an alternative.

Example:

• You: What do you have going on this weekend?
• Them: I was thinking about going bowling.
• You: That sounds fun. I'm going to the movies to see (movie title). Maybe

I have always wanted to be a. Before anyone had written a series of books and been on Oprah and charged 800 dollars for workshops, I knew that something like the Rules Girl existed, and that I wasn't it. These were the girls who guys chased, who they fell hard for, who they couldn't let go of long after the relationship was over. These were the girls who got loved.

I knew because I was the girl who didn't get loved. I spent my life thinking about boys. I watched for them wherever I went. I dressed for them. I gave up everything for them, and would have given up even more. Yet, I knew this was why I wasn't loved. Boys didn't love me because I liked them too much. I needed them too much. I knew this because I had seen the movies and TV shows that reminded me regularly that this was true. The girl who didn't like the boy, the one who couldn't be bothered - she was the one the leading man always wanted the most.

A perfect example of this can be found on the reality show . Kristin Cavallari gets whatever guy she wants. She's beautiful and skinny, sure. But so is Audrina, yet Justin Bobby keeps her at arms length for years, but when Kristin enters his life, he's ready to commit. And so was Lauren Conrad, who, back when The Hills was , was in love with Stephen, who only seemed to have eyes for Kristin, even though

Their confusion over my beliefs and relationship advice is the result of their missing an important distinction. I'm going to share that distinction with you all now. It will help you to both truly enjoy unconditional love and develop healthy relationships.

Unconditional Love and Unconditional Relationships

Love is very important. When you find someone through dating and relating who loves you for "who you are", it is an amazing experience. Similarly, it is rewarding to love someone else "as they are" (or "warts and all" as my grandmother would say). I believe that such a bond is priceless and should be nurtured with great affection. Love is part of our emotions,attachment chemicals in the brain (for those inclined), and spirit (for those inclined).

Relationships, however, are an entirely different thing. Relationships are working partnerships. They involve thoughts, reasons, and decisions. They require two

One of the things that I notice about successful couples is that nearly all of them demonstrate a capacity to not only see the beauty and goodness in each other, but to reflect it back to one another on an ongoing basis. Like the rest of us, these people have their share of "imperfections" but they tend not to focus or dwell upon flaws, and instead, give their attention to the aspects of their partner that they especially appreciate and value. And strangely, this exchange seems to continually grow. Many of them report a shift in their individual self-perception, and they develop a more positive sense of themselves as a result of their partner's feedback.

We all tend to internalize our partner's positive perceptions, which often may enable us to override negative self-judgments. Over time and with many repetitions, this process can result in a gradual transformation of one's self-image. Although happy couples don't necessarily practice counseling with each other, the outcome of this process is similar to the outcome of a successful psychotherapeutic experience. Their feedback isn't limited to only positive qualities but also include areas that are problematic. This feedback is delivered with sensitivity and care, without judgment or condemnation, and is only given when it is requested or solicited. We refer to this process as "believing eyes".

Believing eyes is the experience of having one's gifts and capabilities reflected back from a someone who we love, trust, and respect, who sees our beauty and goodness, and reflects it back to us, particularly during the times when we are unable to recognize our gifts

Kissing is Persuasive:

• Both men and women use kissing to decide on a potential partner (called mate assessment). Good kissers are more likely to get chosen as partners. Bad kissing, in contrast, is a deal-breaker.
• Good kissing leads to feelings of bonding and attachment too. Sharing a smooch both creates and maintains a feeling of connectedness in relationships. This is important early in a relationship and over time.
• Good kissing can also lead to arousal and sex. Passionate make-outs are often necessary (and effective) precursors to further physical intimacy. Done right, kissing is sexy, arousing...and can help you get intimate with a new partner or an established mate.

Elements of a Good Kiss:

• Attractive kissing partners were found to have good hygiene. Fresh breath and clean